I am really struggling with my depression at the moment and feel that writing about it may help me get on top of things ... start shrinking those mountains that are getting in my way.
Everyday I find that any little thing seems big and terrible and unmanageable. It is like the saying 'Don't make a mountain out of a molehill', but what if there are no molehills? What if all you see are mountains because your depression does not allow you to see the molehills? This is how I feel.
Depression has been present in my life off and on for many years. There are also a lot of sufferers in my family, so I feel that it is somewhat hereditary. At this point in time though, depression seems to have really had its hold on me for too long ... sometimes a loose hold, sometimes an iron first grip. I feel the depression is the main reason for my current life situation ... some of which I really need to change.
The following is a list of my mountains:
- Unemployment - Although I have not been unemployed for long, the lead up to this unemployment was brought about from dissolving my self employment which just did not go well for me.
- Financial issues - I am currently under the No Asset Procedure.
- Weight issues - Lets just say I weigh over 100kg and leave it there.
- Health issues - Hypertension and possibly more ... I see the doctor in a week, following more blood tests.
- Family situation - I have two children. One is 15 and one is 7. I have been separated from the father of the 15 year old for 10 years. The 15 year old now lives with his father - this is a good thing for everyone, even though I miss him. The 7 year old does not have a father (this was not mine or her choice). I have actually been on my own for 10 years ... have not had a serious relationship since my ex-husband ... almost had one about 5 years ago. Yes, it does make me feel like something is wrong with me. My issue here is not that I am on my own, but more about how I am making it work.
If anyone does happen upon this blog and wants to share their story, journey, give encouragement, say hi or anything, then please do. I just ask that you do not be judgmental or leave negative comments. If you feel that you can't say anything positive then this blog is not for you, just like a blog about fishing is not for me.
Hey Chicky, thank you for your blog, and well done for being brave. You are not alone, I too am suffering from depression, so I know exactly how you are feeling. I know I don't know you very well, but I just want to say that you are an amazing mother. Your daughter is fantastic, and you are doing a great job. You have some amazing friends who love you for who you are, so when you are feeling at your lowest, hang on to that, and reach out to someone. If ever you need to talk to someone who isn't a close friend, and who understands, I am here for you. Big hugs, Julie H xx
ReplyDeleteThank you Julie. Your comments mean a lot. I would never have thought you were suffering from depression ... you wear your mask well! It just goes to show how easy it can be to pretend we are okay when sometimes we are not. I would like to return the offer of talking if you ever need it. xx
DeleteThank you. Lets start with cuddles with our puppy when we get him in a few weeks! Yes, I have clinical anxiety, and depression...not a great combo! I have my ups and downs. At the moment I am in a good place, so am getting things done while they "are not too much" for me. Yes I wear my mask everyday, sometimes not well...and every now and then I do something that scares the c#@p out of me, like going to girls afternoons with people I barely know! I'm not the same person I used to be, which makes me sad. Every one loves "party Julie", but she doesn't come out to play very much any more. Every time I get brave enough (or rock bottom) to get close to making an appointment with a therapist, I seem to get better, then a "trigger" will spiral me back downwards. And so the battle begins again.... So I haven't seen anyone about it...but I need to. What helps me is...a certain friend who "lifts me up". She probably doesn't even know she does it, and my happy place, which is walking around the Mount. Blue skies also help, and possibly why I'm in a good place at the moment. Lovely days and walks along the beach. I also think we need something to look forward to - no matter how big or small that may be. Anticipation or excitement is great for the soul, a change from our mundane groundhog life...
DeleteOh, I can't wait to cuddle your puppy!! And well done on being so brave about the afternoon tea. I know the first time I went to afternoon tea I was really freaking out but I had the luxury of my security blanket (Frances). I have not seen anyone for a while, but when I have done, it has been a great help. In your own time though. My happy place is watching Frances dance. We both love it so much and she does so well. I love being involved with the dance school and the productions etc. and even though sometimes I find it more nerve wracking than she does, I really enjoy the competitions. There are some people in my life (family included) who think that I should stop the dancing to help my financial situation, but they really don't understand how important it is to both of us and to me and my mental health. Yes I would be better off financially, but at what other cost?? Nope, the dancing stays!
DeleteJust popping in to say congratulations on starting your blog - a very brave move for you, and one that I applaud. I'll be following your journey and offering hugs and encouragement. I hope your blogging journey helps you with your mountains xx
ReplyDeleteThanks Bron xx
ReplyDeletejust thought i would pop in and offer my support, i dont know what your going through but will be here to read and encourge you on your journey. Blogging i find makes me feel better for any reason. Loves of Love, Sharlene
ReplyDeleteThanks, it is appreciated.
DeleteWell done on your blog... I also suffer depression so I get what you're talking about. It's a crappy club to belong to, but it's reassuring to know that I'm not the only one out there.
ReplyDeleteYes it is a crappy club. I often say to my mum "I hate feeling like this, it is so frustrating!" Hugs to you xx
DeleteYou are a brave girl, this is the 1st step on the road to wellness, depression is an illness, and there are many people out there 'wearing their mask'. You are a wonderful mum, Frances is talented, sweet, beautiful and funny...thats all down to you, you made her!!!! well done for seeking medication, you will feel the difference in 3 weeks, and friends and family will see it in 6 weeks. There is no stigma attached to taking anti deppressants, use it as tool to bring back the real you, many people take them for all different reasons, we are all battling with our own demons, you have decided to do something about it. Big ups to you my friend. Welcome to the club. much love
ReplyDeletethanks for your comments. It is appreciated.
Delete