I keep thinking that it would be a good idea to write when things are good, so that it is not all negative, but then the writing is what helps me when I am feeling low and so now I find myself writing cause I feel low.
On a positive note, I have had a busy few months gaining part time employment that allows me to come off the benefit. It has been a slow process between the first call about the job and actual starting, but in a way it was good because it gave me plenty of time to sort out everything with WINZ, IRD, childcare etc. I started two weeks ago and it is going well. Almost too well and they may have to try to give me more responsibility soon as I can see me getting bored.
And just to put a spanner in the works my son decided to move back in with me. It is not easy, but not as bad as I was initially expecting. I am just taking each day as it comes.
So I have both my kids and a new job. Should be happy.
But I feel like there is impending doom. And having a new job does not instantly mean that I have more money than I used to. Especially when you now add another child to the mix. So Christmas is still looking pretty dismal and that is stressing me out a lot. It doesn't help that I have bills that have to be paid before Christmas and car rego due.
I am finding today really hard. There is so much going on in my head. I feel like people are upset with me and I don't know why. I feel like my family are taking me for granted and expecting to much of me. I feel like I can't do anything right and I am just constantly stuffing up, and instead of being supported I feel judged and frowned upon. It probably isn't like that at all, but I can't help feeling that it is. Sometimes I just want the bus to stop so I can get off. My ex seems to be able to do that all the time ... why can't I??
